Category Archives: Joke
SOLUTION TO MATH PROBLEM
This Jewish boy is terrible in math, absolutely terrible. His parents get him extra help but to no avail. They talk with his teacher and he says “I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but why don’t you send him to Catholic school, the nuns are very good”.
After some consideration, the parents decide that since math is so important, they will try anything.
The first day at Catholic school, the boy comes home with an A in math. The second day, another A. This goes on all semester. Then it’s exam time and he gets all the answers correct.
His parents are thrilled. That night at dinner they ask him what happened, wondering why now he’s doing so well when the non-Catholic school couldn’t help him.
The son looks at them and says, “Well, I walked into the classroom and when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew the teacher meant business”.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN (NOW YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO WONDER)
Newly uncovered knowledge – this was found on tablets of stone hidden for more than a thousand years beneath Edinburgh Castle. It provides new evidence that there was an ancient trade between many peoples :
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” To which Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
JEWISH ZODIAC SIGNS
Go to any Chinese restaurant, and at your table you will more than likely find a place mat with the ChineseZodiac on it. (Some of us may have had this experience rather recently.) You might be wondering, what about me? Well, fear not, my friends, just in time for the New Year, here is your very own place mat (sans pictures) with your very own Zodiac signs on it. See below.
CHICKEN SOUP
1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children: resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
EGG CREAM
1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality since you’re made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
CHOPPED LIVER
1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969,1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder “what am I, chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex, you’re always welcome at the holidays! Bagel’s got your back.
BLINTZ
1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
LATKE
1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kinda plain naked, but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.
BAGEL
1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.
PICKLE
1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry a Pastrami later in life.
SCHMEAR
1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami – wouldn’t be kosher.
PASTRAMI
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.
BLACK AND WHITE
1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang. We call it “bi-polar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.
KNISH
1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance. Consider Medical or Law School, but don’t get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.
LOX
1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
© The Jewish Zodiac®,LLC. All Rights Reserved.
MORTY AND SELMA .. JOKE
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”
Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He said he thinks he knows you!”
PIZZA AND PANCAKES — JOKES
A college pizza delivery boy named Larry arrived at the house of Shmuel. After taking the pizza from him, Smuel asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied Larry, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Shmuel. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied Larry, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Shmuel.
Larry smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
Pancakes and Principles
Rebbetzin Epstein was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The Rebbetzin saw this as an opportunity for a moral lesson. “If our great teacher Moses were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my fellow man have the first pancake. I can wait.'”
The oldest boy said, “You’re right Mom.” He then turned to his younger brother and said, “You can be Moses.”
THE NIGHT AFTER SEDER
‘Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber),
I remembered the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared,
The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I’d never said, “I’ve had enough; no more, if you please.”
As I tied myself into my apron again
I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then —
I said to myself, “you’re such a weak wimp”,
“You can’t show up at shul resembling a blimp!”
So–away with the last of the meatballs so sweet ,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have any more macaroons from the box,
I can’t wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.)
I won’t have any luxion, farfel or p’chah,
I’ll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw.
It’s a three day yom tov and shabbas is still
Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill.
If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!
SOME PASSOVER SONGS
(Sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music)
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that’s gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we’re feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don’t feel so bad.
Elijah
(Sung to the tune of “Maria”)
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year–
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time’s come for peace and not hating–
Elijah–
Next year we’ll be waiting.
Elijah!
The Seder Plate Song
(Sung to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)
(By Dan Ochman)
Shank bone on my Seder plate
Helps to make the Seder great
Charoset and some wine to sip
Don’t forget the greens to dip
Bitter herbs and an egg complete
our Seder plate so now let’s eat!
Pharoh, Pharoh
(Sung to the tune of “Louie, Louie”)
CHORUS:
Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby! Let my people go! HUH!
Oy oy oy oy oy oy!
Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby! Let my people go! HUH!
A burnin’ bush told me just the other day
That I should come over here and stay.
Gotta get my people outta Pharaoh’s hands
Gotta lead my people to the Promised Land.
CHORUS
The Nile turned to blood! There were darkened black skies!
Gnats and frogs! There were locusts and flies!
The first born died, causing Egypt to grieve,
Finally Pharaoh said, “Y’all can leave!”
CHORUS
Me and my people goin’ to the Red Sea
Pharaoh’s army’s comin’ after me.
I raised my rod, stuck it in the sand
All of G-d’s people walked across the dry land.
CHORUS
Pharaoh’s army was a comin’ too.
So what you think that I should do?
Well, I raised my rod and I cleared my throat
And all of Pharaoh’s army did the dead man’s float.
CHORUS
Coda:
Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby! Let my people go! HUH!
Oy oy oy oy oy oy!
Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby! Let my people go! HUH!
I said, we gotta go.
I said, we gotta go now.
Let’s go!
TEN REASONS FOR CELEBRATING PURIM
1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. If you’re having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one will know who you are.
4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka — the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.
5. You don’t have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
6. You don’t have to build a sukkah and eat outside.
7. You get to drink wine & you don’t have to stand for Kiddush.
8. Mordechai – 1; Haman – 0.
9. You won’t get hit in the eye by a lulav.
10. You can’t eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
11. Mordechai – 1 ; Haman – 0!!!!
THE JEWISH ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit her with his new wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy,” her grandson says, “but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
Grandma replies, “What, you’re coming empty handed?”
SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND CHANUKAH
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos… Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
8. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
9. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Better stick with Chanukah!
The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn 