Category Archives: Joke
TYPES OF BREAD FOR TYPES OF SINS
SOME SUGGESTED TIPS FOR PROPERLY EXECUTING TASHLICH
You may find this list useful.
- For ordinary sins, use – White bread
- For dark sins – Pumpernickel
- For truly warped sins – Pretzels
- For sins committed in haste – Matzah
- For committing arson – Toast
- For silliness – Nut bread
- For excessive use of irony – Rye bread
- For hardening our hearts – Jelly doughnuts
- For speed-limit violations – Russian bread
- For exotic sins – French or Italian bread
- For complex sins – Multigrain bread
- For sins of indecision – Waffles
- For substance abuse – Poppy seed rolls
- For being ill-tempered – Sourdough bread
- For not giving full value – Shortbread
- For continual bad jokes – Corn bread
- For excessive curiosity – Wonder Bread
- For usury – dough
SOME PASSOVER JOKES
There’s so much about Passover to appreciate – the traditions, food, songs, facts, history, sermons, blessings, services, Seders, haggadahs, family, friends. There’s Passover-themed movie and TV shows, and art galore. And, as with many aspects of Judaism, there is also a rich tradition of humor associated with the holiday. After all, once you’ve been liberated by God from slavery in ancient Egypt, you’re no doubt ready to relieve some of the pent-up tension with a laugh or two. And while the consumption, keeping, and owning of chametz is forbidden during Passover, humor is both allowed and appreciated. Okay, granted, the more Manishewitz you drink, the funnier the humor seems. Be that as it may, here are some favorite Passover jokes. And if you enjoy them even half as much as you do your matzo ball soup and tzimmes this Passover, well, dayenu.
Hear about the internet search engine for Passover? It’s called eliYAHOO
How do you drive your mother completely insane on Passover? It’s really a piece of cake
What’s your favorite Passover film? Shawshankbone Redemption
Why did the matzah quit his job? Because he didn’t get a raise
What army base is off limits on Passover? Fort Leavenworth
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, “What did you learn today?”
He answered, “The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt.”
The boy said “Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross.”
The father was shocked. “Is that what the Rabbi taught you?”
The boy replied, “No. But you’d never believe the story he DID tell us!”
It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
At our Seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzo, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is “Let My People Go”
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A Bris-kit!
Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover? So we can Seder right words.
What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction? A matzochist.
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight-day holiday, he was eating Matzo, flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this nonsense?”
Did you hear about the gefilte fish that went deaf? He had to buy a herring-aid.
When it comes to Karpas, who is the king of Passover? Elvis Parsley
An Egyptian task master fell down a wishing well, The Jewish slave was amazed, “I never knew they worked.”
How does NASA organize their Passover Seders in space? They planet
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
“You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news.”
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Sea of Reeds to open your path to the Promised Land.”
Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s…. that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! – But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”
What did one Seder plate say to the other? “Dinner is on me!”
What kind of shoes did the Egyptians wear during the plague of Frogs? Open-toad!
Who is behind Pharaoh’s Evil Empire? Darth Seder
What was the name of the Secret Spy for the Jews in Egypt? Bondage, James Bondage
What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered the afikomen? No thanks, I’m stuffed
How many Pharaohs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he won’t let it go.
SOME JOKES TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP
THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll
eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind,
I just found one!”
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz auditorium. He was quite impressed with
the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide.
“It’s named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide.
THE SINKING BOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”.
Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell
“cultivate,” and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he’s forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He’s really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won’t put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He’s so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, “Glad you’re happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!”
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!”
Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”
The rabbi questioned: “How come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”
MEAL TIME ON EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
“What are my choices” asks Moishe
“Yes or no” answered the flight attendant.
Submitted by Helen Cherry
PARENTS AND CHILDREN … HOW IT BEGAN
As we grow older, and sometimes wiser, we can also lose our perspective on things that are just TOO immediate. For
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve, his kids. And the first thing he said was: “Don’t”.
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got forbidden fruit!”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” the First Parent asked.
“Uh huh, ” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story … If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they
haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two and keep away from children.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Zero. (Sigh) Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?
A. An Italian mother says, “eat this or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says, “eat this or I’ll kill myself.”
Q: What did the Jewish mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: “You never call, you never write, you only visit when you need money.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish mothers always excused from jury service?
A: Because they insist that they’re the guilty ones.
: What did the Jewish Mother say when her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: So who’s doing the catering, darling?
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor, to make his mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult.
This usually happens at around 45.
Probably the only good advice that your mother gave you was this, “So go already! You might meet somebody!”
If Their Mothers had been Jewish
After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa’s Jewish Mother]
I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you could have still written. [Columbus’ Jewish Mother]
Of course I’m proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother]
But it’s your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn’t you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother]
That’s a nice story. So now tell me where you’ve really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah’s Jewish mother]
A Jewish Mother’s Letter
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
You can’t hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry ‘s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mother, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Henry replied “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the day – don’t lie to a Jewish mother.
My Yiddishe Mama
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying and I’ll *give* you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there ’till all your spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
My mother taught me MEDICINE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My mother taught me ESP
“Put your sweater on – don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
My mother taught me HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me RESTRAINT
“Don’t eat so fast. If you don’t chew, you don’t digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach.
My mother taught me the UNKNOWN
“I gave you $2.00 last week. Where did it go? ”
My mother taught me RELIGION
“If you don’t learn Hebrew, you won’t be barmitzvah’ed and, if you’re not barmitzvah’ed, I’ll die of embarrassment!”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going shopping with me.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don’t.
A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
Your mother is the only person who knows more about you than you know about yourself.
If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
If you forget, your mother will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
It’s dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup. To be honest, he really doesn’t much like its taste or consistency. His wife Sarah sees her Jeremy struggling with it and so asks him, “What’s wrong with the soup, Jeremy?”
“Although you’re the best cook in the world, darling,” replies Jeremy, “when it comes to chicken soup, you’ve got a lot to learn. I don’t want to upset you, but I just don’t like your soup. My mother Miriam makes the best chicken soup in the world. Why don’t you ask her for her recipe?”
“Oy vay, Jeremy,” replies Sarah, “you know how Miriam hates me. She would never tell me such a thing.”
“But your mother Hetty also makes an excellent chicken soup,” says Jeremy. “Surely she must have told you how.”
“Jeremy,” says Sarah, “This was the recipe she gave me. I guess Hetty hates you just as much as Miriam hates me.”
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, “Why have you got some white hairs, mommy?”
Her mother replied, “Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white.”
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, “Mommy, so how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, “I built a big house for mom.”
Henry said, “I sent her a Lexus – with a driver.”
Alan said, “You remember how mom enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can’t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All she has to do is name the chapter and verse.”
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas–he’s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, “What’s the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?”
“No I just can’t,” Benny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”
“Listen,” his friend suggests, “why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your mother?”
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
“So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your mother?”
Benny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like mom. Mom loved her right from the start and they have become good friends.”
“So, do I owe you a Mazeltov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?”
“I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”
The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I’ve just been elected president, won’t you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can’t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please…
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, “Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!”
Conversation with mother
“Can I leave the children with you tonight, mom?”
“Why, are you going out?”
“Yes I am.”
“So aren’t you going to tell your mother who you’re going out with?”
“Oh I’m just going out with a friend.”
“I don’t know why you left your husband, he was so good to you.”
“But you know I didn’t leave him, mom, he left me!”
“I think you let him leave you and now you go out with anybody.”
“I don’t go out with anybody. So, can I bring the children over or not?”
“I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
“There are many things that you did that I don’t do.”
“So, what are you hinting at?”
“Nothing mom. I just need to know if I can bring the children over tonight.”
“You’re staying the night with him? What would your husband say if he knew?”
“My ex-husband wouldn’t care. From the day he left, he never slept alone!”
“So, you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
“He’s not a loser.”
“Any man who goes out with a divorcee with children is a loser.”
”I don’t want to argue with you mom. Should I bring over the children or not?”
“Poor children, with such a mother.”
“A mother such as what?”
“With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
“MoM. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!”
“Please don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too.”
“So now you’re worried about the loser?”
“Ah, you admit he’s a loser, then. I guessed he was a loser straight away.”
“Wait! Don’t hang up. What time are you bringing them over?”
“I’m not bringing them over because I’m not going out.”
“But darling, if you don’t go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”
The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mom was hard of hearing. When mom and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And she would say, “What?”
The proud mother
Jewish mothers don’t differ from any other mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just-graduated sons said, “My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing.”
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, “What’s the matter, Moshe? You didn’t like the other one?”
Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” Hette says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
Hette says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days.”
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
Hette answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”
My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
“Yes dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”
Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”
Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
“Be a good boy, my bubbeleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. “And what did my love learn on his first day at school?”
“I learned that my name is David.”
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1
If you want chopped liver press 2
If you want chicken soup, press 3
If you want chicken soup with matzoh balls, press 4
If you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, “Your son has an Oedipus complex.”
“Oedipus Shmedipus,” answers Freda, “As long as he loves his mother.”
Why aren’t you married already?
Issy arrives home from work one evening and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his wife Rebecca, “Nu? So where’s Sharon?”
“She’s in her bedroom,” replies Rebecca, abruptly. “We had another argument.”
Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can sort things out. “What’s the matter, Sharon?” he asks.
“It’s mom, dad,” replies Sharon. “She keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is kvetch and krechtz. It’s driving me crazy. I just won’t rush into marriage until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad.”
“I’ll do my best,” replies Issy. “I’ll mention our little conversation to mom as soon as the right moment comes along.”
“Thanks dad,” says Sharon.
That night, when they’re in bed, Rebecca says to Issy, “So what did our alteh moid daughter have to say to you earlier?”
“She said you’re always on her back about her not being married,” Issy replies. “I think you should leave her alone. She’s still only 21 and she’s waiting until the right man comes along.”
“Why should she have to wait for the right man?” says Rebecca. “I didn’t when I got married.”
The back seat champion
Sarah couldn’t ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She was, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. Her husband Hayim long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever, made comments about his driving and he, of course, claimed the opposite. And suddenly, there was proof.
The other day, Hayim was driving Sarah and their daughter to the shopping centre when little Shuli piped up, “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, “My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else.”
As they talk, the lady asks, “Would you by any chance be going to New York?”
Moshe replies, “Well, as a matter of fact I am.”
She says, “Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N.”
Moshe replies, “I don’t think it’s possible to find one man in New York.”
She says, “Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much.”
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, “How can I ever find her son?” When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, “This might be easier than I thought.”
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, “Do you have a John here?”
She replies, “Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left.”
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, “Are you Dun?”
The man replies, “Yes.”
Moshe says, “Call your mother.”
The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” Yossi says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!”
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly replied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Jewish Mother to her son:
My dear son, you’re old enough to have your own opinions…
And I, as your mother, will now explain to you what your opinions must be…
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish mother’s telegram:
“Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
Q: Define: Genius
A: A “C” student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
Q: what does a Jewish pirate say?
A: Ahoy vey!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah – he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson – he brought the house down.
Q: What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They raised Cain.
Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. Which area of the Land of Israel was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Q. Which Biblical character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
These are some of the fabulous Jewish Comedians that you may remember, the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:
- Shecky Greene
- Red Buttons
- Totie Fields
- Joey Bishop
- Milton Berle
- Jan Murray
- Danny Kaye
- Henny Youngman
- Buddy Hackett
- Sid Caesar
- Groucho Marx
- Jackie Mason
- Victor Borge
- Woody Allen
- Joan Rivers
- Lenny Bruce
- George Burns
- Allan Sherman
- Jerry Lewis
- Peter Sellers
- Carl Reiner
- Shelley Berman
- Gene Wilder
- Georgie Jessel
- Alan King
- Mel Brooks
- Phil Silvers
- Jack Carter
- Rodney Dangerfield
- Don Rickles
- Jack Benny
- Mansel Rubenstein
- and so many others.
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See!… What did I tell you?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk retorted, “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Submitted by Helen Cherry
WHAT DO WALL STREET AND JUDAISM HAVE IN COMMON?
Today there is an interesting occasion that may prompt us to ask whether there is a connection between Wall Street and Judaism — no, not the one you may think:
Today the Dow hit 18,613.
18 is also known as Chai (חי), and 613 is the total number of the Commandments (Mitzvoth) in the Torah (365 “Thou shall not” plus 248 “Thou shall”= 613)
Q: Who was the first Jewish movie star?
A: Maxwell Henry Aronson aka Bronco Billy Anderson had three minor roles in one of the first movies, the 10 minute 1903 The Great Train Robbery. Soon Max began to write, direct and act in his own westerns. Founding his own studio in 1907, Anderson acted in over 300 short films but gained huge popularity as Bronco Billy in 148 silent western shorts.
Q: Why Did Jack Benny write his Autobiography in the 1960’s
then buy the rights back from his publisher and hide the book?
A: His daughter Joan says she found the manuscript after her mother died in 1983…the story that she heard, was that Jack’s wife
(Sadye Marks) “Mary Livingstone” objected because Jack included
so many stories of his old girlfriends in it! Joan published it.
Q: What Jewish major league baseball player spoke 7 languages,
and was a spy for the OSS ?
A: Moe Berg played 15 seasons in the majors, mostly as a back-up catcher. In the off seasons he traveled extensively around the world, including two trips to Japan . He had been working for the OSS (Renamed the CIA) as a spy for the U.S. on his trips.
In 1943/44, and speaking German like a native he was touring Nazi occupied Europe on a spy mission. He was asked to determine whether the Germans were close to building an A bomb, in which case he was charged with murdering the Nazi scientists who were developing it!
Q: What Jewish performer was the best ventriloquist of his time,
and helped create the first artificial heart?
A: At the time, the most famous ventriloquist was Edgar Bergen
(he was also the worst). The Best was Paul Wilchinsky,
who, as Paul Winchell with his wooden partner Jerry Mahoney
had their own TV Show in the 1950’s and made many appearances
on all the popular variety shows of the time….Paul NEVER moved
his lips! Paul was also an inventor and held many medical patents including the device which was the basis of the Jarvik heart.
Q: What Jewish actor was the FIRST bad boy method actor, and,
at the time, had the largest funeral of any celebrity since Valentino?
A: Jacob Julius Garfinkle aka John Garfield grew up in poverty on the Lower East Side , and later said “If I hadn’t been an actor I might have become Public Enemy #1. On Broadway and in the Movies Garfield was an early proponent of the “Method” which was later adopted by Montgomery Clift, Marlon Brando & James Dean. With a bad heart and the stress of possibly losing his career due to being named to the Black List, John Garfield died of a massive heart attack at the age of 39. Over 10,000 people crowded outside the cemetery at his funeral.
Q: What movie of 1942 cast 4 Jews, an Irishman & a German as California Mexicans?
A: “Tortilla Flat”, from the book by John Steinbeck, was a movie about a bunch of poor Monterrey , CA. Mexicans who just sit around and kvetch all day. The cast consisted of 4 Jews: Hedy Lamarr a Viennese Jew with a strong German accent, John Garfield & Sheldon Leonard both Jews with strong New York accents, and Akim Tamiroff a Russian Jew with a strong Russian Accent. In addition, they cast the very Irish Spencer Tracy and the German American Frank Morgan!!! Not a decent Mexican accent in the bunch.
Q: What Film played a N.Y.C. neighborhood theatre in the early 1950’s whose marquee read: Starring Bernard Schwartz
and Rosetta Jacobs?
A: “The Prince who was a Thief” starred Tony Curtis and Piper Laurie. Both were local Jews, born on the lower Eastside of N.Y., and well known in that neighborhood by their real names.
Q: What nice Jewish girl left Darren Aronofsky, also Jewish,
to marry James Bond???
A: Rachel Weisz, who is now married to Daniel Craig.
Q: What 19 year old Jewish girl hung out with Hitler & Mussolini, married a semi-Nazi munitions dealer, made a semi-porno film that got world wide release, then ran off to Paris & London where she met Louis B. Mayer, eventually becoming one of MGM’s biggest stars
(She was called The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, and helped invent a process called Frequency Hopping which was used in military code breaking machines, and later in cell phones).
A: Eva Maria Kiesler aka Hedy Lamarr born November 9, 1914
in Austria .
Q: What famous Jewish stand-up comic saw his first movie,
as a little kid sitting in the lap of singer Billie Holiday
at the Lowes Commodore, N.Y.C.
A: Billy Crystal
Q: What Jewish man was the first & greatest swashbuckling
movie hero known as the First King of Hollywood ?
A: Thomas Ullman aka Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.
(I never knew that he was Jewish!!)
Q: What two Jewish stars of the Yiddish stage became movie
super stars playing Italian Gangsters?
A: Emanuel Goldenberg aka Edward G. Robinson
with Little Caesar in 1931 and Muni Weisenfreund aka Paul Muni with Scarface in 1932.
Q: Who was the first Jewish professional baseball player?
A: Emanuel Lipman Pike, in 1866, he accepted $20 a week to play.
Q: What Jewish superstar, as a kid in the 1930’s, would pee off
the roof of his tenement building onto parading American Nazis?
A: Bernie Schwartz, aka Tony Curtis.
Q: What Jewish leading lady missed out on playing Scarlett O’Hara
in Gone with the Wind….over her affair with Charlie Chaplin?
A: Marion Pauline Levy aka Paulette Goddard. Producer David O. Selznick was afraid Paulette’s fooling around with Charlie would hurt the box office of the movie so decided against casting her.
Q: What Jewish TV star, a comedian, hung one of his young writers out of an 18th floor window until he agreed that a joke was funny?
A: Sid Caesar hung writer Melvin Kaminsky (Mel Brooks) out the window until the other writers restrained Sid!
Q: What Jewish comedian once asked Frank Sinatra to stop by his table at a Las Vegas restaurant to help the comic impress a girl…later when Sinatra was leaving he stopped to say hello, the comic said.. “Not now Frank, can’t you see I’m with somebody???
A: Only the impish Don Rickles had the guts!
Q: What Jewish silent film star was the movies’ first Femme Fatale?
A: Known as The Vamp, it was Theodosia Burr Goodman aka Theda Bara.
At the height of her fame she ranked in popularity behind only Mary Pickford and Charlie Chaplin.
Q: What Jewish movie star had two of the world’s largest and finest privately owned art collections?
A: Edward G. Robinson. In 1956 he was forced to sell his first art collection, as part of his divorce settlement. Missing his art more than his wife of 29 years…He immediately began to build a second collection!
Q: What Jewish movie star he-man wore dresses as a kid?
A: Issur Danielovitch aka Kirk Douglas .
He was the only boy among 4 or 5 older sisters.
They couldn’t afford toys, so they treated him as their own private dress-up doll. then as a teen he muscled up and became macho to prove his manhood…( I am Spartacus!!!)
Q: What famous Jewish symphony orchestra conductor is the grandson of the King & Queen of the Yiddish Theatre…Boris & Bessie Thomashefsky?
A: Michael Tilson Thomas.
Q: What Jewish comedian was TV’s first superstar and was so popular that NBC gave him a 30-year contract?
A: “Mr. Television” was Mendel Berlinger aka Milton Berle.
Submitted by Helen Cherry
THE YO-YO DIET GUIDE TO THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS
- Rosh Hashanah: Feast
- Tzom Gedalia: Fast
- Yom Kippur: More fasting
- Sukkot: Feast
- Hoshanah Rabbah: More feasting
- Simchat Torah: Keep feasting
- Month of Cheshvan: No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
- Hanukkah: Eat potato pancakes
- Tenth of Tevet: Do not eat potato pancakes
- Tu B’Shevat: Feast
- Fast of Esther: Fast
- Purim: Eat pastry
- Passover: Do not eat pastry
- Shavuot: Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
- 17th of Tammuz: Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
- Tisha B’Av: Very strict fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
- Month of Elul: End of cycle.