Category Archives: Joke
FROM THE MIND OF A CHILD
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
ONLY IN ISRAEL
Only in Israel!
Itzik was driving home from his job in Tel Aviv when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt.
Two days later-same ticket, same cop.
“Nu,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes,” said Itzik. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.
–Submitted by Jerry Weissman
PASSOVER JOKES
After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins.
With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn’t get there carts out of their driveways. They complained to Moses. “We can’t get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets”.
Moses, in turn, called out to G-d. “Lord, please do something about this coffin problem.” Understand, with all the commotion it was hard for G-d to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said ‘Coughin” and responded by turning all the wine into
cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, we drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.
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As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish’s offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, “Go Filter Fish!”
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Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: “You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.”
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: “You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locusts.”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”
Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s…. that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! — But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”
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Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
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G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in it’s mother’s milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside…
G-d: Moses, do whatever you want….
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The Computer Engineer’s Haggadah
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Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done
Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released
Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device
Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done
Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done
Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL – (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done
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A Jewish man took his Pesach lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later
a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to
the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this nonsense?”
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The Seder Plate Song (“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” )
by Dan Ochman
Shank bone on my Seder plate
Helps to make the Seder great
Charoset and some wine to sip
Don’t forget the greens to dip
Bitter herbs and an egg complete
our Seder plate so now let’s eat!
JOKES
EDITOR’S NOTE: A little humor to lighten your mood as we head from this ridiculously long winter into spring and look forward to Pesach. Submitted by Jerry Weissman.
The Newlyweds and the Rabbi
Newlyweds Rachel and Chaim were already having marriage problems, so they decided to go to the rabbi for help.
The rabbi asks Chaim, “So what has brought you to the point where you are struggling to keep this marriage together?”
Chaim says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
Rachel says, “Seven weeks.”
Going out..
A cyclone hit the Goldstein house just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which Selma and Irving slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
Selma began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Selma,” Irving said. “We’re not hurt.”
Selma continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she responded between sobs. “I’m happy. This is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.”
A New Way To Look At Fulfilling the Laws of the Torah
Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws: “Gay marriage” and the “Legalization of marijuana”.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly!
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
Contributed by Helen Cherry
Here are some excerpts from “The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole”
If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish
WASP’s leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
Israel is the land of milk & honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac & eating dinner at 4 in the
afternoon.
The roots of stand-up comedy can be found in the ‘shpil’, a skit performed at 16th century Purim festivities.
Classic Jewish Jokes:
A banker, who had converted to Christianity, was walking along the street with a hunchback when they passed a synagogue.
“You know, I used to be a Jew,” says the banker.
Replied his friend, “And I used to be a hunchback.”
A Jewish mother is at the beach with her 3 year old son when a giant wave sweeps the boy out to sea. The hysterical mother prays: “God, if you return my son I’ll keep a kosher home, go to temple every week & be a pious wife.”
A second giant wave sweeps in & deposits the boy at his mother’s feet. The mother looks up at the sky & exclaims: “He was wearing a hat!”
A skeleton walks into the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “NOW you come to see me!”
Izzy & Moe go to Hyman’s funeral. Izzy looks down at the coffin & says: “Doesn’t he look wonderful?”
“Why not”, says Moe, “He just came back from Miami.”
SOME DONKEYS ARE SMART
EDITOR’S NOTE: Submitted by Jerry Weissman, since this week’s Torah portion is about Baalam.
Some donkeys are smart…
Movies:
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a donkey sitting next to him.
“Are you a donkey?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The donkey replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
Front Seat:
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat.
“What are you doing with that donkey?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
“I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE
Rabbi Alex Goldhamer does circumcisions and to increase business he has decided to put a notice for his services on the Internet. He is calling his new service “e-moil”.
From the Jewish Bulletin of northern California. Helen
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Two of my favorite Jewish father jokes, and then some commentary.
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says “Papa, I need fifty dollars.” The father says “forty dollars?! I don’t have thirty dollars! What do you need twenty dollars for? Here’s ten dollars.” He hands the boy a five and says “split it with your brothers…and bring back the change.”
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, ” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”
“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?”
So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”
So in the tradition of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?” Brothers, we must take this to God,” said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, “Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel.”
Let’s have some jokes for the Jewish father, nu? | j. the Jewish news …
VISITING GRANDMA
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What . . . You’re coming empty handed?”
The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn 