PASSOVER JOKES

After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins.

With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn’t get there carts out of their driveways. They complained to Moses. “We can’t get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets”.

Moses, in turn, called out to G-d. “Lord, please do something about this coffin problem.” Understand, with all the commotion it was hard for G-d to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said ‘Coughin” and responded by turning all the wine into
cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, we drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.
**********
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.

Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

Moses accepted this kindly fish’s offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, “Go Filter Fish!”
**********
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: “You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.”

Moses was staggered. The voice continued: “You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”

“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locusts.”

“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”

Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s…. that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! — But what’s the bad news?”

“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”
**********
Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
**********
G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in it’s mother’s milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside…
G-d: Moses, do whatever you want….
**********
The Computer Engineer’s Haggadah
————————–
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done

Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done

Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL – (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done
**********
A Jewish man took his Pesach lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later
a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to
the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this nonsense?”
**********
The Seder Plate Song (“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” )
by Dan Ochman
Shank bone on my Seder plate
Helps to make the Seder great
Charoset and some wine to sip
Don’t forget the greens to dip
Bitter herbs and an egg complete
our Seder plate so now let’s eat!

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Posted on March 30, 2014, in 2014, April, Joke, Ram's Horn and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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