Category Archives: Joke
IF THEY HAD A YENTA …
Submitted by Jerry Weissman
If they had a yenta, she’d say….
MONA LISA: “This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”
NAPOLEON: “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: “Again with the hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
PAUL REVERE: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, but midnights are too late.
MOSES: “That’s a good story! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”
SOME FAMOUS OR INFAMOUS QUOTES ABOUT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
EDITOR’S NOTE: Since we just celebrated the giving of the Ten Commandments, I thought I’d include these for your reading pleasure.
The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words. – Atlanta Journal
If God had been a liberal, we wouldn’t have had the Ten Commandments — we’d have the Ten Suggestions. – Malcolm Bradbury
One of the reasons why the Ten Commandments are so short and to the point is the fact they were given direct and did not come out of committees. – H.G. Hutcheson
Somebody recently figured out that we have 35 million laws to enforce the ten commandments. – Attributed to both Bert Masterson and Earl Wilson
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. – H.L. Mencken
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. – Ronald Reagan
There are ten commandments, right? Well it’s like an exam. You get eight out of ten, you’re just about top of the class. – Mordecai Richler
If Moses had been paid newspaper rates for the Ten Commandments, he might have written the Two Thousand Commandments. – Isaac Singer
This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we’d probably have been offered another Commandment free if we had accepted the first ten. – Earl Wilson
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
The Gift”
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Henry’s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie. Her suspicions were heightened over the course of the evening, while watching the two react. Reading his mum’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Henry replied, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, and I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Lesson of the day – don’t lie to a Jewish mother.
Jewish Mother and Jewish guilt, rolled into One
Phone rings……
Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mom, Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”
Daughter: “Yes.”
Jewish Mother: “With whom?”
Daughter: “A friend.”
Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man … ”
Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me!”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodys and nobodys.”
Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?”
Jewish Mother: “ I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at?”
Daughter: “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My ex-husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone.”
Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this losers place?”
Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”
Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
Daughter: “ENOUGH!”
Jewish Mother: “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!”
Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser?”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.”
Daughter: “Good bye Mother!”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?”
Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!!!”
Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet someone???”
DON’T LET THIS BE YOU
Rabbi Markowitz concluded the services one Shabbat morning by saying, “Next Shabbat, my sermon will be about lying. In preparation, I would like you all to read the 42nd chapter of the book of Exodus.”
On the following Shabbat, Rabbi Markowitz rose to begin, and said:
“Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 42nd chapter of the book of Exodus, please raise your hands.”
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
“You are the people I want to talk to,” said Rabbi Markowitz. “There is no 42nd chapter of the book of Exodus!”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes this is a joke, but not knowing what the Torah says or doesn’t say isn’t; it has life and death implications. Did God really create the Heavens and the earth? Did He really say to Adam and Eve don’t eat from the tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden, and if so, why? Does the Torah have answers to some of life’s basic questions: Why are we here? How did we get here? What are we supposed to do while we are here? What happens after we die? Does the Torah say God helps those who help themselves? What about all the evil in the world … how did it get here, why does God allow it, and is there anything we can or should be doing about it? Why are there wars, and is there such a thing as a “good” war? How should we treat one another as peoples and nations, husbands and wives, parents and children, friends and neighbors, law-abiding citizens and criminals, old and young, rich and poor, business partners, debtors and creditors, fellow Jews, or the stranger in our midst? What happens if we break God’s laws, especially since we know beforehand that we will? How good do we have to be to be good enough? Does it really matter what we eat, drink, or wear? Who or what do we look to for guidance and direction when life gets really tough? If somebody wrote down all this stuff, who were they and why did they write it? How do we know whether it is truth or myth? What distinguishes it from — or makes it superior to — any other book of history or wisdom written by flawed human beings? Is any of it relevant to our lives today and, if so, what parts? If answers to any of these questions are to be found in the study of Torah, what a difference it would make in a person’s life to find them and live by them.
A MOTHER’S WISDOM IN SCHUL
EDITOR’S NOTE: Since we are having a visit from Student Rabbi Miriam Farber this week end, I thought I’d include this little informational tidbit.
After Sabbath services were over, Rabbi Cohen is met at the shul door by Golda and her young son Sheldon.
“Rabbi,” says Golda, “I’m sorry my Sheldon was so noisy during your sermon.”
“That’s OK, Golda,” says Rabbi Cohen. “Rabbis are also parents and we understand the problem. But do tell me: how you managed to get him to keep quiet.”
“It was quite easy rabbi,” replies Golda. “Fifteen minutes into your sermon, I leaned over to Sheldon and whispered in his ear, ‘Sheldon, listen to me carefully. If you don’t stop making such a noise, Rabbi Cohen is going to lose his place in his sermon, and if he looses his place, he will have to start his sermon all over again!’
BREAKING NEWS IN NEW YORK!
Submitted by Stephen Boyd
Following his recent ban on soda containers over 16 ounces, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he now intends to place similar limits on wine and matzo consumption at Passover seders.
Everyone knows that Jews struggle with obesity, the mayor declared at a news conference yesterday at Gracie Mansion, so why aggravate the problem by drinking four whole cups of wine and eating three large sheets of matzo at a single meal? Noting that the Passover foods are a Jewish tradition dating back thousands of years, the mayor said, That may be so, but look at the health problems they create. You eat all that unleavened bread, and your system is bound to get backed up. It s no wonder Moses was pleading, Let my people go. Bloomberg added, No one needs that much wine at a meal, either. And, shamefully, the biggest offender is a Jewish icon the prophet Elijah. On seder night, he goes from house to house drinking. Who does he think he is, some frat boy? In a surprising display of erudition in Jewish law, the mayor said he was familiar with, and opposed to, the adherence to the strictest requirements encouraged by some Torah sages. If you intend to adhere to the shiurim of the Chazzon Ish, or even Rabbi Moses Feinstein, take your Seder out of the City, said a defiant Bloomberg.
He outlined his restrictions as follows:
For the drinking of the four cups 3.3. oz. will be the maximum permitted under New York City law. You may think 5.3 ounces is a saintly amount to drink for each of your 4 cups, but it is overly burdensome on the NYPD when they have to haul your machmir tuchus off to detox.
For the Eating of Matzoh No more than the size of 1/3 of an egg, measured by weight and not volume. You will be subject to citation or arrest if you feel the need to stuff half of a Talmudic egg in your mouth and choking on your high halachic standards. The Mayor then left the press conference angrily, turning only to add, Next year in Jerusalem. IF you can fit on the plane!”
THE PLAQUE
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Levy notices seven year old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul foyer. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. David has been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walks over to him and says quietly, “Good shabbes, David.”
“Good shabbes, Rabbi,” replies David, still focusing on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?” David then asks.
“Well, David,” replies Rabbi Levy, “it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stand together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David’s voice is barely audible as he asks, “Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?”
NOW THAT TAKES SKILL!
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor.
“Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor.
“How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied the Jewish Samurai !! “Dead is easy. Circumcision. . .THAT takes skill!”
A SHORT-LIVED RESOLUTION
THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in NYC .
He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says:
“Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll follow all of your commandments and live my life as an exemplary Jew. ”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says,
“Never mind, I just found one!”
THE EIGHT NIGHTS OF CHANUKAH
On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
“You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Take another brownie,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
“Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn 