HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Henry’s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie. Her suspicions were heightened over the course of the evening, while watching the two react. Reading his mum’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Henry replied, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, and I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the day – don’t lie to a Jewish mother.
Jewish Mother and Jewish guilt, rolled into One
Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mom, Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”
Jewish Mother: “With whom?”
Daughter: “A friend.”
Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man … ”
Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me!”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodys and nobodys.”
Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?”
Jewish Mother: “ I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at?”
Daughter: “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My ex-husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone.”
Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this losers place?”
Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”
Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
Jewish Mother: “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!”
Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser?”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.”
Daughter: “Good bye Mother!”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?”
Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!!!”
Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet someone???”