Category Archives: Joke
SO WHICH ONE IS IT?
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
“It’s ‘Hawaii’ I’m telling you,” Hetty said.
“Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. ‘Havaii’ is how it’s pronounced,” Isaac said.
And so it went on all the way till they got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, Isaac asked a porter, “Now that we’re on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this ‘Hawaii’ or ‘Havaii?'”
“This is Havaii,” replied the porter.
“Ha!” Isaac said, turning to Hetty, “See, didn’t I tell you never to argue with me? I’m always right.”
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty “Thank you.”
The porter replied, “You’re Velcome.”
IN THE BEGINNING
In the BeginningIn ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of
Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and hard, and decided he would let his wife Dot have her way about the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success throughout the land. Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say to her husband Abraham, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel or, as it came to be known, Ebay.
He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious EnergeticEducated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that’s the truth.
And that’s the truth.
THE PURPOSE OF YOM KIPPUR
As we know, Yom Kippur starts this year on Friday night, October 7, 2011.
The following story illustrates why we remember the reason we observe this solemn time.
The story is told of a house painter who deeply regretted stealing from his clients by diluting the paint, but charging full price. He poured out his heart on Yom Kippur hoping for Divine direction, after which he heard a voice from Heaven saying:
“Repaint, repaint … and thin no more!”
The Butler
A Jewish couple in London wins twenty million pounds in the lottery. They buy themselves a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surround themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They decide to hire a butler. They find the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and bring him back to their home.
The day after his arrival, he is instructed to set the dining table for four, as they are inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then leaves the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they find the table set for six. Perplexed, they ask the butler why it is set for six when they have expressly asked him to set it for four.
The butler replies: “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes.”
Recall Notice
Regardless of make or year, all units known as “human beings” are being recalled by the manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam” and “Eve”, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all Subsequent units. This defect is technically termed “Serious Internal Non-morality,” but is more commonly known as “SIN.”
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Depression
- Fearfulness
- Foul vocal emissions
- Ingratitude
- Jealousy
- Lack of peace and joy
- Loss of direction
- Rebellion
- Selfishness
The Jewish Dog by Elliott Magalnick
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, “My dog has a problem.”
Dr. Saul says, “So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”
“It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk,” says Morty.
“He can talk?” the doubting doctor asks.
“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: ” Seth, Fetch!”
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, “So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”
Dr. Saul is amazed, “This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?”
Morty says, “He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.”
JOKE
Chaim Yankel was walking down the street when a security guard came up to him and said, “Why is there a penguin following you?”
Chaim Yankel said, “I don’t know, he just followed me.”
The security guard replied, “You take that penguin to the zoo right now.” And Chaim Yankel complied.
A couple of hours later, Chaim Yankel came out of the zoo with the penguin still following him.
The security guard said, “I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo.”
Chaim Yankel replied, “I did, but he enjoyed himself so much that now I’m taking him to the library.”
June 2011 Joke
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised
his hand and said:
“Vedding Cake?”
JOKE
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to the Synagogue yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?
“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?,” he asks.
“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, ” So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn 