Category Archives: Joke
NEW BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM FLAVORS NOW AVAILABLE IN ISRAEL!
Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is now available in Israel … in the following flavors:
- Western Walnut
- Moish mellow
- Mazel Toffee
- Chazalnut
- Oy Ge-malt
- Mi Ka-mocha
- Soda & Gamorra
- Bernard Malamint
- Berry Pr’i Hagafen
- Choc-Eilat Chip
- Simchas T’oreo
and finally
(drum roll, please)
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen.
Submitted by Elliott Magalnick
GREEN EGGS AND WHAT?
The National Education Association is celebrating “Read Across America ” by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there’s the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) here’s a new ending for the story:
Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
But I’ll eat green eggs with a biscuit!
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I’ll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I’ll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you’re a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
Contributed by Elliott Magalnick
NEW JEWISH WORDS
New Jewish words
Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that your favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Haggadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 am so she can change the baby’s diaper.
Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort (v.) Forgetting all the Hebrew you ever learned immediately after your Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking your way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.
Meinstein (slang) “My son, the genius!”
Mishpocha-dots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on your face and collar after kissing all your aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Ft. Lauderdale and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names may be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a 10th person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school — as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents or Uncle Sid.
In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Cousin Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis kvellification.
Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport many other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out your wife became pregnant after your vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many failed attempts, the shofar is FINALLY blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) Discovering that there was pork in your appetizer.
Submitted by Elliott Magalnick
YOU GOTTA BE JEWISH … OR AT LEAST FROM THE NEW YORK AREA
Things we Learned in Hebrew School:
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers .
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
7. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
9. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
10. Spring ahead; fall back; winters in Boca.
11. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
12. Always whisper the names of diseases.
13. If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
14. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
15. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
16. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
17. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
Under the same management for over 5,774 years.
Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
“The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
More Jewish Stuff:
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices? “Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a living….”
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…and forgot to write a letter.”
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything alright?
Submitted by Helen cherry
THE JEWISH SAMURAI
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead? DEAD?” replied the Jewish Samurai. Dead is easy …but circumcised ?!
Submitted by Elliott Magalnick
OLD JOKES
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is
sitting between them. The first Texan says,
“My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and
they call my place The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, “My name is
Irving and I own only 300 acres.”
Roger looks down at him and says, “300 Acres? What do you raise?”
“Nothing,” says Irving .
“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.
“Downtown Dallas “.
________________________________
MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him
aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of
God!”
Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”
The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”
_______________________
IT HAPPENED IN SHUL
Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, “I’d like to give you an
Aliyah. What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”
The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”
It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name?” asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything
now is in my wife’s name.”
_______________________________
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a
waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn
came, she went into the doctor’s office, and emerged within half an
hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half
and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”
She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.”
________________________________
THE DIFFERENCES
The Italian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jewish man says, “I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
_______________________________
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide.
_____________________________
ROWING TEAM
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge , Mass. , and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces.
“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout.
“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”
Submitted by A. M. Heintzelman
GROWING UP JEWISH
Brisket is not the same as Corned Beef!
If you are not Jewish, I cannot even begin to explain it to you.
This goes back 2 generations, 3 if you are over 50. It also explains why many Jewish men died in their early 60′s with a non-functional cardiovascular system and looked like today’s men at 89.
Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Polack, Litvack, Deutch and Gallicianer). Sephardic is for another time.
Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, autumn, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I’m talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat).
SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it’s time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: “low fat, no cholesterol, Newman’s Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ.” (It can’t miss!) Then there are grebenes – pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist’s convention.
There’s also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck) pipick (gizzard – a great delicacy, given to the favorite child), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc. We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, “Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?”
Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Often, after boiling, it is browned in the oven so the skin becomes crispy. Yummy!
My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet.
For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha (groats), kliskelech and marech (marrow bones) . The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten, hockfleish (chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.
Since we couldn’t have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles). In Philadelphia it was usually Franks Black Cherry Wishniak (vishnik).
Growing up Jewish
If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population, the following will invoke heartfelt memories.
The Yiddish word for today is PULKES (PUHL-kees). Translation: THIGHS.
Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel , the Cellulites.
The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: “Go! You might meet somebody!”
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay?” through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighbourhood deli (called an “appetitizing store”) for whitefish salad, whitefish “chubs”, lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn’t always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can’t speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don’t know exactly what they mean.
Kaynahurra.
You’re still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse’s ancestor.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a “Get Out of Hebrew School Free” card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
You’re compelled to mention your grandmother’s “steel cannonballs” upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.
You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to Stamford Hill or Edgware and carefully shlep them home like glassware. (Or, if you live near Chigwell, Manchester or another Jewish city hub, you drive 2 or 3 hours just to buy a dozen “real” bagels.) Western Bagel and Brent’s in the San Fernando Valley . Factor’s or Canter’s deli in West L.A.
Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime as if they were relatives.
You thought only non-Jews went to sleep-away colleges. Jews went to city schools… unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.
Zei gezunt!!
Original author unknown.
Submitted by Jerrold Weissman
A NEW TAKE ON SEINFELD
“If Seinfeld took place in Montreal and was in Yiddish (with English subtitles).”
I am not sure if it is most funny because they are Yiddish-speaking contemporary Jews or because they are French-speaking Cannucks!
Submited by Nancy Oyer
SHANAH TOVAH FROM ELLIOTT MAGALNICK
Try not to think of this as RYE BREAD. A Happy and healthy New Year to you all.
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, starts soon. Unlike January 1st, which is filled with merrymaking and parties, Rosh Hashanah is a time for introspection, and purifying one’s soul. In conjunction with this is the custom of Tashlich, where people take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one’s sins and starting the new year fresh.
However, times have changed…
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options this year for Rosh Hashanah:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Bread that’s fresh
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.
The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn 