The Aitz Chaim Ram's Horn

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead? DEAD?” replied the Jewish Samurai. Dead is easy …but circumcised ?!

Submitted by Elliott Magalnick

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is
sitting between them. The first Texan says,
“My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and
they call my place The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, “My name is
Irving and I own only 300 acres.”
Roger looks down at him and says, “300 Acres? What do you raise?”
“Nothing,” says Irving .
“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.
“Downtown Dallas “.
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MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him
aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of
God!”
Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”
The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”
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IT HAPPENED IN SHUL
Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, “I’d like to give you an
Aliyah. What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”
The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”
It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name?” asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything
now is in my wife’s name.”

_______________________________
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a
waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn
came, she went into the doctor’s office, and emerged within half an
hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half
and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”
She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.”
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THE DIFFERENCES
The Italian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jewish man says, “I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
_______________________________
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide.
_____________________________
ROWING TEAM
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge , Mass. , and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces.
“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout.
“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”

Submitted by A. M. Heintzelman