HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Zero. (Sigh) Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?
A. An Italian mother says, “eat this or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says, “eat this or I’ll kill myself.”
Q: What did the Jewish mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: “You never call, you never write, you only visit when you need money.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish mothers always excused from jury service?
A: Because they insist that they’re the guilty ones.
: What did the Jewish Mother say when her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: So who’s doing the catering, darling?
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor, to make his mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult.
This usually happens at around 45.
Probably the only good advice that your mother gave you was this, “So go already! You might meet somebody!”
If Their Mothers had been Jewish
After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa’s Jewish Mother]
I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you could have still written. [Columbus’ Jewish Mother]
Of course I’m proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother]
But it’s your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn’t you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother]
That’s a nice story. So now tell me where you’ve really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah’s Jewish mother]
A Jewish Mother’s Letter
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
You can’t hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry ‘s roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mother, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Henry replied “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the day – don’t lie to a Jewish mother.
My Yiddishe Mama
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying and I’ll *give* you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there ’till all your spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
My mother taught me MEDICINE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My mother taught me ESP
“Put your sweater on – don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
My mother taught me HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me RESTRAINT
“Don’t eat so fast. If you don’t chew, you don’t digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach.
My mother taught me the UNKNOWN
“I gave you $2.00 last week. Where did it go? ”
My mother taught me RELIGION
“If you don’t learn Hebrew, you won’t be barmitzvah’ed and, if you’re not barmitzvah’ed, I’ll die of embarrassment!”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going shopping with me.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don’t.
A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
Your mother is the only person who knows more about you than you know about yourself.
If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
If you forget, your mother will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
It’s dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup. To be honest, he really doesn’t much like its taste or consistency. His wife Sarah sees her Jeremy struggling with it and so asks him, “What’s wrong with the soup, Jeremy?”
“Although you’re the best cook in the world, darling,” replies Jeremy, “when it comes to chicken soup, you’ve got a lot to learn. I don’t want to upset you, but I just don’t like your soup. My mother Miriam makes the best chicken soup in the world. Why don’t you ask her for her recipe?”
“Oy vay, Jeremy,” replies Sarah, “you know how Miriam hates me. She would never tell me such a thing.”
“But your mother Hetty also makes an excellent chicken soup,” says Jeremy. “Surely she must have told you how.”
“Jeremy,” says Sarah, “This was the recipe she gave me. I guess Hetty hates you just as much as Miriam hates me.”
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, “Why have you got some white hairs, mommy?”
Her mother replied, “Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white.”
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, “Mommy, so how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, “I built a big house for mom.”
Henry said, “I sent her a Lexus – with a driver.”
Alan said, “You remember how mom enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can’t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All she has to do is name the chapter and verse.”
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas–he’s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, “What’s the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?”
“No I just can’t,” Benny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”
“Listen,” his friend suggests, “why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your mother?”
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
“So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your mother?”
Benny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like mom. Mom loved her right from the start and they have become good friends.”
“So, do I owe you a Mazeltov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?”
“I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”
The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I’ve just been elected president, won’t you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can’t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please…
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, “Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!”
Conversation with mother
“Can I leave the children with you tonight, mom?”
“Why, are you going out?”
“Yes I am.”
“So aren’t you going to tell your mother who you’re going out with?”
“Oh I’m just going out with a friend.”
“I don’t know why you left your husband, he was so good to you.”
“But you know I didn’t leave him, mom, he left me!”
“I think you let him leave you and now you go out with anybody.”
“I don’t go out with anybody. So, can I bring the children over or not?”
“I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
“There are many things that you did that I don’t do.”
“So, what are you hinting at?”
“Nothing mom. I just need to know if I can bring the children over tonight.”
“You’re staying the night with him? What would your husband say if he knew?”
“My ex-husband wouldn’t care. From the day he left, he never slept alone!”
“So, you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
“He’s not a loser.”
“Any man who goes out with a divorcee with children is a loser.”
”I don’t want to argue with you mom. Should I bring over the children or not?”
“Poor children, with such a mother.”
“A mother such as what?”
“With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
“MoM. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!”
“Please don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too.”
“So now you’re worried about the loser?”
“Ah, you admit he’s a loser, then. I guessed he was a loser straight away.”
“Wait! Don’t hang up. What time are you bringing them over?”
“I’m not bringing them over because I’m not going out.”
“But darling, if you don’t go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”
The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mom was hard of hearing. When mom and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And she would say, “What?”
The proud mother
Jewish mothers don’t differ from any other mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just-graduated sons said, “My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing.”
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, “What’s the matter, Moshe? You didn’t like the other one?”
Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” Hette says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
“Why, mother? ”
Hette says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days.”
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
Hette answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!”
My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
“Yes dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”
Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”
Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
“Be a good boy, my bubbeleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. “And what did my love learn on his first day at school?”
“I learned that my name is David.”
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1
If you want chopped liver press 2
If you want chicken soup, press 3
If you want chicken soup with matzoh balls, press 4
If you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, “Your son has an Oedipus complex.”
“Oedipus Shmedipus,” answers Freda, “As long as he loves his mother.”
Why aren’t you married already?
Issy arrives home from work one evening and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his wife Rebecca, “Nu? So where’s Sharon?”
“She’s in her bedroom,” replies Rebecca, abruptly. “We had another argument.”
Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can sort things out. “What’s the matter, Sharon?” he asks.
“It’s mom, dad,” replies Sharon. “She keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is kvetch and krechtz. It’s driving me crazy. I just won’t rush into marriage until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad.”
“I’ll do my best,” replies Issy. “I’ll mention our little conversation to mom as soon as the right moment comes along.”
“Thanks dad,” says Sharon.
That night, when they’re in bed, Rebecca says to Issy, “So what did our alteh moid daughter have to say to you earlier?”
“She said you’re always on her back about her not being married,” Issy replies. “I think you should leave her alone. She’s still only 21 and she’s waiting until the right man comes along.”
“Why should she have to wait for the right man?” says Rebecca. “I didn’t when I got married.”
The back seat champion
Sarah couldn’t ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She was, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. Her husband Hayim long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever, made comments about his driving and he, of course, claimed the opposite. And suddenly, there was proof.
The other day, Hayim was driving Sarah and their daughter to the shopping centre when little Shuli piped up, “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, “My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else.”
As they talk, the lady asks, “Would you by any chance be going to New York?”
Moshe replies, “Well, as a matter of fact I am.”
She says, “Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N.”
Moshe replies, “I don’t think it’s possible to find one man in New York.”
She says, “Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much.”
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, “How can I ever find her son?” When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, “This might be easier than I thought.”
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, “Do you have a John here?”
She replies, “Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left.”
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, “Are you Dun?”
The man replies, “Yes.”
Moshe says, “Call your mother.”
The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” Yossi says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!”
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly replied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Jewish Mother to her son:
My dear son, you’re old enough to have your own opinions…
And I, as your mother, will now explain to you what your opinions must be…
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish mother’s telegram:
“Begin worrying. Details to follow.”