Author Archives: Joy Breslauer

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos… Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

8. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

9. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.

Better stick with Chanukah!

Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
“It’s ‘Hawaii’ I’m telling you,” Hetty said.
“Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. ‘Havaii’ is how it’s pronounced,” Isaac said.
And so it went on all the way till they got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, Isaac asked a porter, “Now that we’re on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this ‘Hawaii’ or ‘Havaii?’”
“This is Havaii,” replied the porter.
“Ha!” Isaac said, turning to Hetty, “See, didn’t I tell you never to argue with me? I’m always right.”
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty “Thank you.”
The porter replied, “You’re Velcome.”